What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
At Heights Couples Therapy, we believe that all people have the capacity for deep connection—even if at this moment it feels distant, fragile, or even broken. One of the most powerful, evidence‑based tools we use to help couples find their way back to safety and bonding is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—a structured, attachment‑based model for couples therapy.
A Grounded, Proven Approach to Relationship Repair
Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed in the 1980s by Sue Johnson.
Why EFT is meaningful
EFT begins with the foundation that humans are inherently social beings, “hard‑wired” to form emotional bonds with their partners and loved ones. When those bonds feel threatened or broken, distress arises not just from surface issues (arguments, finances, kids) but from deeper emotional disconnection—the sense of “I’m not safe, I’m not seen, I’m not reached.”
EFT frames relationship distress as essentially about emotional connection, not simply communication or behaviour.
The model helps couples and loved ones map the “negative cycle” or “dance” of interaction that arises when attachment needs are unmet (criticism, withdrawal, defensiveness) and provides a path toward restructuring that cycle.
What the research says
EFT is one of the most empirically supported models for couples therapy—some sources cite up to 90% of couples showing significant improvement, and 70‑75% moving out of relationship distress.
Because of its strong research base, EFT is recognized by professional bodies like the American Psychological Association (APA) as meeting criteria for an evidence‑based approach.
How we use it at Heights Couples Therapy
In our practice in Houston (and via telehealth across Texas), we integrate EFT with our values of high‑quality, evidence‑based relationship therapy. That means we intentionally:
train our clinicians for EFT certification and ongoing consultation
structure our intake and assessment around mapping couples’ negative interaction cycles and underlying attachment needs
embed the three‑stage EFT process in our couples‑therapy offerings (more on that below)
tailor the model to the cultural, relational and systemic contexts of our clients
maintain a high standard for supervision, documentation, and ongoing outcome monitoring
Many couples who come to Heights say things like:
““We don’t fight all the time—but we feel miles apart.””
““Everything seems fine, until it’s not.””
““We can talk to everyone else—except each other.””
The problem: disconnection, not just conflict
EFT views ongoing distress as more than a series of miscommunications. It sees the root as emotional disconnection, often hidden behind patterns like criticism, withdrawal, pursuit‑avoid, or stoic detachment. Attachment theory tells us that humans are wired for connection, and when that connection is threatened, our nervous system and relational patterns respond.
The shift: from blame & distance → emotional reach & responsiveness
Rather than just teaching people better communication techniques, EFT helps loved ones:
identify the negative cycle (the repeating patterns of interaction that keep you stuck)
uncover the emotion(s) behind the behaviour (fear, loneliness, longing rather than just anger or criticism)
re‑engage each other in new, healthier ways—where one partner invites connection and the other responds with accessibility, responsiveness and engagement (often abbreviated A.R.E.).
The benefit: A secure emotional bond
When couples and partners successfully engage in EFT, they report:
stronger emotional safety and trust
less reactive patterns, fewer escalations
deeper intimacy and feeling known/seen
greater resilience together when inevitable stressors arise
At Heights Couples Therapy, our aim is not just “fewer fights,” but “we feel safe with each other when it matters most.”
What to Expect in EFT Sessions
The Three Stages of EFT
The three stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy are: De‑escalation → Restructuring (Bonding) → Consolidation & Integration.
1. De‑escalation Phase
The clinician helps partners identify and map their negative interaction cycle. E.g., “When she withdraws, I feel abandoned and pursue; when I pursue, he feels blamed and shuts down.”
The goal is to reduce reactive behaviours and emotional flooding. Create enough safety that the deeper work can begin.
Often includes externalizing the cycle (i.e., “this cycle is the enemy, not you two”), which reduces shame and blame and helps partners take a shared stance.
2. Restructuring Interactions (Bonding) Phase
Once the cycle is de‑escalated, the therapist helps partners access deeper emotional states (often primary emotions like fear, longing, sadness) rather than just secondary reactive ones (anger, defensiveness).
Partners then use in‑session enactments—this means the therapist guides one partner to express a vulnerable need or emotion to the other, while the other responds with attuned, non‑defensive empathy.
This builds new emotional experiences: partner A says “I’m afraid you’ll leave me, and I feel alone,” partner B responds “I hear your fear, I want to stay with you.” These moments shift the bond.
The therapist helps both partners practice new ways of interaction: inviting connection, responding to bids for closeness, offering comfort and engagement. This fosters the internal shift toward “secure base” in attachment terms.
3. Consolidation and Integration Phase
The final phase is about strengthening new patterns and preparing for future challenges. The partners practice handling conflict, stressors, transitions using their new emotional bond instead of old patterns.
It includes reviewing gains, anticipating future issues, reinforcing each partner’s capacity to turn toward rather than away.
At Heights Couples Therapy, this stage also often includes “relapse‑prevention” planning (i.e., what to do when you fall back into old cycle), and linking to ongoing maintenance or individual work if needed.
What a Typical EFT Couples Session Looks Like
1. Setting the Stage
Your therapist starts by checking in—emotionally and relationally. You might talk briefly about a recent conflict, an emotional high or low, or how things have felt since your last session.
“How have things felt between you two this week?”
“What’s something that triggered your cycle recently?”
This check-in is not just for updates—it helps the therapist locate where you are in your relationship cycle and choose the right focus for the session.
2. Slowing Down the Cycle
EFT therapists help you press pause on the fast-moving reactivity that often derails connection. Rather than rehashing the play-by-play of a fight, your therapist will slow down the moment to explore what was really going on underneath.
“When he raised his voice, what did that bring up for you? What did you feel inside?”
“When you pulled away, were you trying to protect yourself from something painful?”
This is where the emotional depth of EFT comes into play. The therapist helps each partner move from reactive emotions(anger, defensiveness, shutting down) to core emotions (fear, sadness, longing, shame).
3. Guiding New Emotional Conversations
Once the underlying emotions are uncovered, the therapist may guide one partner to express a vulnerable need or feeling directly to the other—often in a way that’s never been spoken before.
“Can you tell them what you’re needing right now?”
“What’s it like to hear that from your partner?”
These moments—called enactments—are carefully facilitated to be emotionally safe, supportive, and attuned. They often lead to breakthrough experiences of being seen, heard, and held in a new way.
4. Tracking and Naming the New Experience
As new emotions emerge and are shared, your therapist helps you both notice the shift. This is where the couple starts to step out of the negative cycle and into a more connected pattern.
“Do you notice how different this moment feels from how things usually go?”
“What’s it like to stay with your partner here instead of shutting down or defending?”
The therapist may name what’s changing: greater responsiveness, softer emotions, more openness—building the couple’s awareness of their progress.
5. Wrapping Up and Planning Ahead
Toward the end of the session, the therapist will help you consolidate the work and plan next steps. This might include:
Noticing any shifts in your emotional cycle
Identifying a small way to stay emotionally connected between sessions
Preparing for challenges that may come up outside of therapy
“What would help you carry this connection into the week?”
“How can you support each other when this feeling of disconnection starts to creep in again?”
What You Won’t Experience in EFT
A referee trying to settle arguments
Blame or “who’s right” debates
Quick fixes or generic communication tips
Instead, you’ll experience a structured, compassionate process designed to help you feel safer, more emotionally connected, and more secure in your bond—even when life is hard.
Who Benefits from EFT?
EFT is particularly effective—and we emphasise these populations at Heights—but also flexible and inclusive:
EFT works for:
Couples experiencing communication breakdowns, persistent conflict, emotional distance, or “we used to be close” / “we’ve grown apart” narratives.
Couples dealing with infidelity or betrayal, where the emotional bond was wounded and needs repair (EFT offers a framework for that repair).
Couples in life‑transitions (parenthood, blended families, mid‑life transitions) where the relationship is under stress and emotional safety is at risk.
Couples from diverse backgrounds: EFT has been adapted for LGBTQ+ couples, non‑traditional relationships, blended families, and culturally diverse clients.
Couples where one or both partners have trauma histories, since the attachment lens helps locate how past hurts show up in the present relationship.
Considerations / when to supplement
EFT is not typically enough alone when there is active abuse, untreated substance use disorder, or significant untreated mental‑health issues (e.g., unmanaged bipolar, psychosis) or an ongoing affair without commitment to repair.
Why We Use EFT at Heights Couples Therapy
Our mission at Heights Couples Therapy is to help you create a safe emotional “home” in your relationship—one where you can turn to each other with confidence, even in hard times. EFT aligns strongly with that mission because:
It is evidence‑based: clients can enter therapy knowing there is significant research backing the model.
It focuses on the emotional depth and attachment needs of real relationships—not simply “communication skills” or surface behaviour change.
It emphasizes connection, rather than conflict alone—the goal is secure emotional union, not just peaceful co‑existence.
It supports relational repair and resilience, which is especially meaningful in Texas couples who may deal with high stress levels (work demands, family transitions, cultural/faith factors, geographical mobility).
How to Get Started with EFT at Heights Couples Therapy
If you’re reading this because you and your partner are considering therapy, here are some next steps:
Schedule a Free Consultation – In the consultation we will briefly assess whether EFT is a good fit (e.g., any red‑flags such as active abuse or untreated addiction require alternate or additional support).
FAQs & Myths about EFT
Here are some common questions we hear, with clarifications tailored to a practice like ours in Texas:
“Is EFT just another communication‑skills model?”
No. While communication skills are involved, EFT goes deeper—it targets the emotional substrate and attachment needs underlying interactions.
“How long does EFT take?”
It varies. For moderate distress, many couples complete 12‑20 sessions; for deeper issues (infidelity, trauma, blended families) longer is common. We always tailor to your pace.
“Will we stop arguing forever?”
No—and we don’t aim for “no conflict.” We aim for safe conflict: when you argue, you feel seen, heard, and can reconnect. The cycle changes.
“What if only one partner wants therapy?”
EFT works best when both partners are engaged. If one partner is reluctant, we may start with individual attachment‑informed work or discernment counselling and then move into couples.
“Is EFT evidence‑based?”
Yes. As noted, research shows high rates of improvement and lasting change. (EFT Research)
Secure Polyamory and EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is grounded in the science of attachment, which emphasizes our deep need for emotional connection and responsiveness. While it was initially developed for monogamous couples, EFT has increasingly been adapted for non-monogamous relationships, including polyamorous and consensually non-monogamous (CNM) partnerships.
At Heights Couples Therapy, we believe that attachment security is not limited to monogamy. It’s about how people show up for one another—through emotional attunement, responsiveness, and trust—not how many partners they have.
How EFT Supports Polyamorous Relationships:
Clarifies emotional needs across multiple bonds without hierarchy or judgment.
Helps partners name fears (e.g., “Will I be replaced?”) and move toward reassurance and secure connection.
Supports the repair of ruptures (e.g., jealousy, communication breakdowns) through vulnerability and attunement.
Offers a framework for secure functioning, helping each partner navigate agreements, attachment wounds, and differing needs with openness and care.
Our Approach at Heights:
Our EFT-trained therapists are affirming of polyamory and experienced in helping polycules (relationship systems) move toward secure, emotionally anchored bonds.
Whether we’re working with a couple within a poly system or multiple partners in therapy together, we adapt EFT’s core questions: Can I depend on you? Are you there for me? Can I reach for you and trust that you'll respond?
We do not pathologize non-monogamy. Instead, we help clients create emotionally safe, values-aligned, and connected relationships—whatever the structure.
Attachment security is possible in polyamorous relationships. EFT offers a powerful, compassionate roadmap for cultivating that security—one vulnerable conversation at a time.
Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT)
Sometimes, the best place to start improving your relationships is by working on your connection with yourself.
Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) is a powerful, attachment-based approach designed for individuals who want to better understand their emotional world and the patterns that show up in their relationships. Whether you're navigating a breakup, feeling stuck in unhelpful patterns, or wanting to prepare for deeper connection in the future, EFIT offers a path toward change.
How EFIT Supports You:
Heals relational wounds by helping you explore where disconnection or insecurity began—often in earlier relationships—and how those experiences affect your current interactions
Clarifies emotional needs so you can recognize what you’re really longing for in relationships (like safety, acceptance, or closeness)
Builds self-compassion and emotional strength through guided emotional experiences in therapy
Improves how you show up in relationships—more present, more secure, and more able to ask for what you need
What Makes EFIT Different
While many therapy approaches focus on thoughts, behaviors, or insight, EFIT is centered around emotion as the agent of change. It’s not just about understanding your patterns—it’s about feeling them shift in real time.
EFIT is:
Attachment-based: It helps you make sense of emotional responses by looking at your core need for connection and belonging.
Experiential: Sessions often focus on what’s happening emotionally in the moment—not just what happened last week.
Transformative: The therapist creates a safe space for you to experience yourself differently, so you can build more secure, grounded ways of relating.
Is EFIT Right for You?
EFIT may be a good fit if:
You often feel anxious or avoidant in relationships
You’ve experienced emotional trauma, rejection, or abandonment
You’re repeating painful relational patterns—even when you don’t want to
You’re in couples therapy and want individual support to deepen your work
You're single but want to understand why relationships feel hard or confusing
At Heights Couples Therapy, EFIT is an important part of how we help people create lasting change—from the inside out. Whether you're in a relationship or exploring what it means to connect, this approach can help you become more emotionally clear, resilient, and connected.
Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT)
When one relationship in a family feels strained, the whole system feels it. Whether you're navigating parenting challenges, struggling with emotional disconnection, or facing major transitions, Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) offers a way to strengthen your family’s emotional bonds and improve how you relate to one another.
EFFT is based on the same attachment science that supports Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples—but it’s designed to work with families. It’s especially helpful when a child or teen is struggling, when parents feel stuck in conflict or worry, or when communication has broken down across generations.
How EFFT Supports Families:
Identifies and transforms negative interaction patterns (e.g., yelling, shutdowns, walking on eggshells)
Helps each family member feel heard and seen, especially when emotions are big or difficult to express
Strengthens caregiving relationships, allowing parents or guardians to become more emotionally responsive and attuned
Fosters emotional safety, so every member of the family can show up more openly and with less fear of rejection or conflict
What Makes EFFT Different
Unlike some family therapies that focus mainly on behavior management or solving external problems, EFFT goes deeper—helping your family understand what’s underneath those behaviors: fear, longing, hurt, or the need for connection.
EFFT is:
Emotionally focused: The goal isn’t just fewer arguments—it’s stronger, more secure emotional bonds.
Attachment-based: It helps caregivers respond to their children’s emotional needs with more clarity and less reactivity.
Experiential and relational: Therapy sessions include real-time conversations that build connection and shift long-standing patterns.
Is EFFT Right for Your Family?
EFFT may be a helpful approach if:
There’s frequent conflict, shutdowns, or misunderstandings between family members
A child or teen is acting out, withdrawing, or struggling emotionally
A recent transition (divorce, blending families, a move, a loss) has created tension or disconnection
Parents want to be more emotionally available but feel stuck or overwhelmed
You want to feel closer and more connected—not just quieter or more “compliant”
At Heights Couples Therapy, we see families not as problems to be fixed—but as relationships meant to be a secure base for success in life. EFFT offers a respectful, evidence-based path toward greater connection, mutual understanding, and emotional resilience. Whether you're a parent, teen, or caregiver, we’re here to help your family feel more like a team again.
Final Thoughts
If you and your loved one(s) are feeling stuck—whether by distance, recurring fights, betrayal, or simply “we’ve lost our way”—then Emotionally Focused Therapy can offer a meaningful path forward. At Heights Couples Therapy, we are committed to guiding you through a structured, safe, skilled process to rebuild emotional safety, deepen connection, and create a resilient bond.
Every strong relationship has natural ups and downs—what matters is that you feel safe reaching for each other and that your loved one(s) reaches back. With EFT, that reach becomes a bridge rather than a risk.
Ready to reconnect?
If you and your partner are ready to move from disconnection to deeper connection, we invite you to book a free consult with our EFT‑trained team. Let’s explore whether EFT is the right fit for you—and take the first step toward a secure, thriving partnership.