Should You Stay If Your Partner Won’t Change? How Individual Therapy Can Help You Know

“Why Am I the Only One Trying?”

When you’ve tried to change patterns in your relationship, asked your partner to do the same, or maybe even tried (and failed) at couples therapy, you might wonder: 

“Should I stay or go?”

Even if you feel burned out and hurt, this is still a tender, painful place to be. You’ve likely invested years—maybe decades—of your life with your partner. You might share property, kids (and grandkids!), or even a business. It’s not a simple question, and it can keep you up at night.

Here’s the good news: you can get clarity about whether to stay or go, even if your partner won’t come with you to therapy.

We help people do this through individual therapy for relationships. But first, let’s walk through how this works.

The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck And Questioning Your Relationship

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), couples often get stuck in what’s called a pursuer/withdrawer cycle. Each partner plays a role to protect themselves and the relationship. But, over time, these roles can keep you locked in a lonely, disconnected place.

The two roles are Pursuer and Withdrawer. Which pattern do you see yourself in?

Pursuers lean in. 

They bring things up, push for answers, ask for reassurance, and are sensitive to distance because closeness feels safest.

Withdrawers pull back. 

They shut down, avoid tough talks, or freeze up because stepping back feels safer than risking conflict that might go wrong.

It’s important to remember: Neither role is wrong or bad. Both are attachment strategies we learn to keep connection and emotional safety.

Self-Reflection: Are You the Pursuer or the Withdrawer?

Before you continue, take a moment to see which might most apply to you.

You Might Be The Pursuer If You:

✅ Feel like you care more than your partner

✅ Always initiate hard conversations.

✅ Worry about distance or feeling “too much.”

✅ Feel frustrated that you’re the only one trying.

You Might Be The Withdrawer If You:

✅ Avoid bringing things up.

✅ Feel overwhelmed when you sense conflict. 

✅ Freeze or go silent when emotions feel ‘big’

✅ Hope problems will just pass if you wait them out.

Remember, neither is good or bad. This is how your attachment system reacts when it senses the relationship may be in trouble. 

Then and Now: What Might Be Happening In Your Relationship 

If your relationship has felt stuck for a long time, you might think, “There’s no cycle; there’s just silence.” But even silence can be part of the pattern.

How this might have looked in the early years:

• If you were the withdrawer, you stayed quiet to keep the peace when arguments flared up.

• If you were the pursuer, you pushed to resolve things right away because the distance felt unbearable.

How it might look now:
Years later, the same dance can look like one partner going silent, the other stewing alone, but both feeling disconnected and unsure how to reach each other. 

Some days, it might feel like living with a roommate instead of a partner.

One Shift Changes the Whole Cycle

Even if you’ve been entrenched in this pattern for years, small shifts still matter.

Why? Because if one person changes how they show up, the cycle has to adjust.

If you’re the pursuer: You learn to reach more softly, leading with clear needs instead of criticism. This may soften your withdrawer partner's near-automatic response to pull away, allowing space for your needs to be negotiated more calmly.

If you’re the withdrawer: You might learn to stay present a moment longer or risk speaking up instead of pulling away. This may slowly teach your pursuer partner that they don’t have to be critical if they know you’ll stay with them during the hard moments. 

Either way, individual therapy helps you understand your role and experiment with how small changes create bigger shifts. Even if your partner doesn’t join you, the ripple effects can have positive impacts on your relationship.

When The Cycle Stays Stuck

Still, what if you try—and they don’t change? 

What if you reach gently, hold boundaries, and still find yourself alone in the work?

Sometimes, the reality is that lasting change isn’t possible together, and you can’t fix that by yourself.

Even so, this is where individual therapy helps you know when you’ve done your part—and whether it’s time to stay, step back, or go.

Should You Start This Work Alone—or Together?

Perhaps you’ve tried to make some shifts, and it’s not helping. You might be wondering: Should we go to therapy together? Or should I start this work on my own?

The truth is, there’s no wrong place to begin.

Couples therapy—especially EFT—is designed to help both partners understand and shift the dynamic together. If your partner is open to attending, it can be a powerful way to reconnect.

But individual therapy is also a meaningful choice, especially if:

• Your partner isn’t ready for couples therapy

• You want to explore your own patterns and attachment history

• You’re unsure what’s yours and what’s part of the relationship

• You have an anxiety disorder or OCD that impacts the relationship

• You’re not sure if you want to stay or leave the relationship. 

Whether you’re working solo or together, you can begin to interrupt the cycle and start moving toward more connection and closeness with your partner.

What If I Don’t Trust My Partner?

When trust has been broken through infidelity or other betrayal, the pursuer/withdrawer cycle can become even more intense and incredibly painful.

This response is completely understandable. After a betrayal, the stakes feel higher. You may want answers and emotional information, but your partner might be flooded with shame, fear, or avoidance, making it even harder for them to stay emotionally present.

In this context, individual therapy can help you process what happened, explore emotional impact, and begin rebuilding safety through vulnerability and responsiveness at a pace that honors your  needs.

Do We Need Discernment Counseling? 

If your partner is willing to join you, Discernment Counseling can help clarify whether to rebuild or let go.

But if your partner refuses to engage—or won’t even discuss the future—individual therapy can give you a safe, neutral space to sort through your options.

One of our skilled therapists can help you:

• Understand what keeps the cycle alive

• Identify what would need to change for you to stay

• Build a plan for leaving if that’s what feels right or necessary

• Process the grief that often follows big relational shifts

Give Your Relationship The Clarity It Deserves

At Heights Couples Therapy, we work with both individuals and couples navigating stuck cycles, conflict, anxiety, and deep disconnection.

Whether you’re the one who works hard to fix the relationship or the one who pulls away to keep the peace, you deserve a relationship that feels safe, loving, and secure.

If your partner won’t come, you still can. Let’s work together to help you find the clarity, strength, and the next steps that honor what your heart is asking for.