Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Your Partner (and How to Stop the Cycle)
You bring up something that’s been bothering you—the messy kitchen, the forgotten errand, or something deeper, like a desire for more intimacy or to troubleshoot your child’s struggles at school.
Your partner goes quiet. Are they distracted? Ignoring you? It’s hard to tell, but you calmly ask again.
They snap in defense, pointing out something you forgot to do, how you never recognize their efforts, or that they were going to get to it, but you never give them the chance.
Here we go again.
Relationship Déjà Vu: The Fight You Can’t Shake
Your painful cycle of arguing and—eventually—one or both of you giving up with nothing resolved has been set in motion. It’s only a matter of time before you get louder, more desperate to fix it, and to feel truly heard. The louder you get, the more frustrated your partner gets and retreats.
Afterward, you both feel desperately alone. Hurt. Confused. Why can’t you stop this from happening? What’s happening?
Your Relationship Isn’t Broken. You’re Stuck in a Painful Pattern.
Many couples experience this painful loop, where one partner moves towards, and the other pulls away. It often plays out in a dynamic that couples therapists call the pursuer/withdrawer cycle.
Believe it or not, this is one of the most common patterns couples bring into therapy.
One partner protests by pressing in—asking, critiquing, insisting things change—while the other tries to keep the conflict from boiling over by stepping back and going quiet. Both are reaching for the same safety, just in opposite directions.
It’s not because either of you is bad at relationships or don’t love each other. It's because you're both trying to protect yourselves—and the relationship—in ways that make sense emotionally but clash in day-to-day practice.
Your relationship isn’t broken.
You’re part of the majority of couples who need support in understanding each other, getting to the root of the issue, and breaking the cycle.
What Is the Pursuer/Withdrawer Cycle?
These terms come from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an evidence-based approach to couples therapy rooted in attachment theory and emotional responsiveness.
The pursuer is the one who brings up issues, asks for reassurance, and wants to talk things through. They tend to get ‘louder’ when they feel disconnected. It’s not because they want to attack; it’s because they want closeness and the distress in the relationship to be resolved.
The withdrawer needs space to think, cool down, or regulate. They may seem emotionally distant or disengaged, but usually, they’re trying to avoid saying something that makes things worse. Their silence is often rooted in fear, not indifference or arrogance.
While you may not understand each other, both roles come from a deep longing for connection—and an unspoken, painful fear of losing the relationship.
The Pursuer/Withdrawer Cycle: How It Feels Inside
If You’re the One Who Moves Towards (Pursuer):
You feel desperate for answers, closeness, or reassurance.
You worry you care more than your partner does.
You’re afraid of being too much, but you don’t know how else to get through.
If You’re the One Who Pulls Away (Withdrawer):
You feel overwhelmed and pressured.
You want to fix it but feel like nothing you say is right.
You care deeply, but expressing that feels risky or impossible.
Why The Cycle Seems to Never End
This painful cycle feeds on itself, over time getting bigger and more deeply entrenched in how you and your partner communicate.
The more the pursuer pushes, the more the withdrawer retreats. And the more the withdrawer shuts down, the more the pursuer escalates.
It becomes a loop of pain and protection that no one knows how to break.
How EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) Can Help Your Relationship
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a research-backed approach to relationship counseling that focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between partners.
Instead of simply teaching communication skills or problem-solving techniques, EFT helps you get to the heart of what’s happening underneath the surface, where the pain, longing, and fear live and cause relationship disruptions.
EFT helps partners see this pattern, understand it as something external (“the cycle”), and start responding to each other from a place of shared emotional truth rather than fear.
EFT In Action: What You Can Do Instead
Here are some small but powerful shifts that can begin to change the cycle using EFT-based tools:
Name the pattern. When you realize it's "us vs. the cycle," not "me vs. you," everything changes.
Pause. Take a breath or a moment when you feel the old pattern revving up. It's okay to say, "I need a minute to calm down so I can show up how I want to."
Name your deeper emotions. Under anger is often fear, sadness, or loneliness. Try, "I'm scared I'm losing you," instead of "You never listen to me."
Practice small moments of vulnerability. The more you practice naming your needs softly, the safer it becomes.
Get support. If you can’t seem to shift this on your own, an EFT-trained therapist can help you both feel seen, heard, and supported as you move toward deep connection.
How Might This Show Up in Neurodivergent Couples?
In couples where one or both partners are neurodivergent (i.e., autistic, ADHD, sensory processing disorder), the cycle may look a little different:
A partner with sensory sensitivities may withdraw not because they don’t care, but because they are overwhelmed and overstimulated.
A partner with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) may pursue more intensely, interpreting withdrawal as abandonment.
Communication differences, such as a need for concrete language over abstract or different processing speeds, can heighten misattunement and trigger the cycle faster.
EFT can be particularly helpful here by slowing down the interaction, honoring each person’s sensory needs and nervous system, and creating space for clearer communication.
How Might This Show Up in Multicultural Couples?
Cultural differences can influence how the pursue-withdraw pattern plays out, too:
In some cultures, direct emotional expression is discouraged, making a withdrawing partner seem more disengaged than they truly are.
A pursuer from a more emotionally expressive family background might feel confused or rejected by a partner who values restraint, privacy, or deference.
Historical or intergenerational trauma, migration experiences, and differing views on roles, boundaries, and family involvement can amplify conflict or misunderstanding.
EFT helps couples name these cultural influences without blame and builds bridges of understanding that honor each person’s lived experience and values.
How Might This Show Up in LGBTQ Couples?
In LGBTQ relationships, the pursue-withdraw cycle can carry additional layers shaped by past traumas, societal stigma, or identity-based vulnerability.
One partner may have a history of rejection or non-affirming family environments, making emotional vulnerability especially risky and threatening.
Internalized shame about one’s sexuality or gender expression might intensify either the pursuing or withdrawing behaviors.
Differences in how partners navigate being out or engaging in community connection can influence how safe each feels expressing needs or taking space.
EFT can help LGBTQ couples explore these layers gently and with attunement, making room for healing and deeper connection.
How Naming the Cycle Helped Jamie & Alex
(Anonymized for privacy)
Jamie and Alex came to therapy, stuck in a familiar dance. Jamie, a white woman with ADHD, would raise concerns about feeling distant after Alex, a Korean American man, returned from a demanding work trip. Alex would get overwhelmed and shut down, needing space but not knowing how to say that without making things worse. Jamie felt abandoned, like her needs didn’t matter. Alex felt attacked and like nothing he did was enough.
Through EFT, they began to recognize that this wasn’t about who cared more—it was about how each of them was trying to protect their relationship in ways shaped by culture, neurodivergence, and past experiences. Jamie learned to express her fear of disconnection more directly and gently. Alex learned to stay present and share his overwhelm without withdrawing completely.
It wasn’t quick or easy. But over time, they built a new pattern, one that was based on understanding, cultural respect, emotional safety, and mutual support.
Heights Couples Therapy Can Help You Break The Cycle Of Disconnection
At Heights Couples Therapy, we specialize in helping couples stuck in the pursue-withdraw cycle find safety, connection, and new ways of relating.
Whether you're just starting to name the pattern or already deep in the work, our therapists are here to walk you through the deeper work.
We offer emotionally focused, attachment-based care for partners who want to build and cultivate relationships that weather the ups and downs of life’s inevitable storms.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
This cycle shows up for so many couples. It doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It means you're stuck in a loop that can be interrupted with support, insight, and care.
Emotionally Focused Therapy offers a proven path to help couples move from conflict to connection, with each other and within themselves.