When Parenting Feels Uneven: What You Can Do When the Load Feels Lopsided
Becoming parents can be one of the most meaningful and disorienting experiences in a relationship. It’s also common for one partner to feel like they’ve shouldered more of the mental, emotional, or logistical work of caregiving.
If you’re the one feeling that imbalance, this guide offers practical steps to help you navigate the situation without burning out or turning against each other.
For additional support, please explore our counseling services. We’d be happy to connect you with a team member who specializes in the support you need.
1. Have an Honest and Open Conversation
It's important to approach the situation with empathy, honesty, and clarity. Try to have a calm and non-confrontational conversation with your co-parent about how you're feeling and what changes you need. Express your thoughts in a way that focuses on your feelings and the child’s needs rather than blaming or criticizing.
You might say something like:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of parenting responsibilities I’m handling on my own, and I’d really appreciate your help in figuring out what changes we can make to make things more balanced for both of us.”
Having this conversation in a calm, open manner is key, as it will allow you to discuss the issue without causing defensiveness.
2. Set Clear Expectations and Responsibilities
Sometimes, one partner may not fully realize the extent of their responsibilities. It’s helpful to set clear expectations about the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, such as who is in charge of feeding, bath time, bedtime, chores, or running errands.
Be specific about:
What tasks need to happen
How often
Who handles what
Be specific about how much time or effort you need from your co-parent, and try to create a practical plan for how you can share tasks equally.
3. Acknowledge the Adjustment Process
Adjusting to parenthood is a huge life change, and it’s important to recognize that it may take some time for your co-parent to embrace the responsibilities that come with it. Ask your co-parent if there are any challenges or barriers that are preventing them from fully engaging in parenting tasks. Sometimes, external factors such as work stress, mental health struggles, or personal difficulties may be affecting their ability to adjust.
You might start the conversation with:
“Is there anything making this transition feel hard right now?”
Having empathy and offering support can create a space where your co-parent feels more comfortable discussing what they’re going through and why they might not be fully adjusting.
4. Invite, Don’t Wait for, Active Participation
Rather than waiting for your co-parent to "snap" into their new role, encourage them to be actively involved. This can mean inviting them to participate in activities like feeding, playing, and bedtime routines, or even taking the lead on certain tasks. Sometimes, the most effective way to encourage involvement is by directly asking for it.
This may look like:
“Can you take bath time tonight?”
“Can you take the lead on daycare drop-offs this week?”
Instead of waiting for them to adjust on their own, try actively involving them in the day-to-day tasks that are needed. This can help establish habits of involvement that might not be occurring naturally.
5. Share Your Needs and Stress Level
If you feel overburdened by parenting responsibilities, it’s essential to communicate your stress level and needs. Let your co-parent know how their lack of adjustment is impacting your well-being, and how this could lead to burnout if the situation doesn’t change. Explain how important it is for both parents to adjust to the new reality of parenthood for the health of both of you and your child.
You might say:
“I’m feeling really drained, and it’s becoming difficult to keep up with everything. I need us both to share the responsibilities more equally so we can both thrive as parents.”
This can prompt your co-parent to take a step back and reevaluate how they’re handling their role.
6. Consider Couples Support if You’re Stuck
If your conversations don’t lead to meaningful changes or your co-parent is resistant to adjusting, it may be helpful to seek couples therapy or family counseling. A therapist can help mediate the conversation, identify underlying issues, and help you both develop strategies to work through these challenges together.
Therapy can be especially useful if there are deeper relationship dynamics at play, such as unmet expectations, lack of communication, or unbalanced emotional or practical support.
Looking for couples therapy in Houston, Texas? Explore our services here.
7. Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries
In cases where your co-parent isn’t fully stepping up, it’s essential to prioritize your own mental and physical well-being. Parenting can be overwhelming, and if your co-parent is not adjusting as quickly as you'd like, you might have to rely more on your own resources in the short term. Taking time for yourself, whether it's for rest, self-care, or engaging in activities you enjoy, will help you cope better and prevent burnout.
This may include:
asking for extended family or friend support
taking breaks when possible
outsourcing a few tasks
saying no to responsibilities that stretch you too thin
Additionally, it’s important to set boundaries around the amount of work you're willing to take on. If your co-parent isn’t pulling their weight, it’s essential to communicate how this affects your well-being and the overall dynamic of the family.
8. Allow Time for Change (While Staying Honest About Your Needs)
In some cases, change doesn’t happen overnight. If your co-parent is trying but simply not fully there yet, it’s important to give them time to adjust. Sometimes, co-parents may need additional time to fully step into their role, especially if they haven’t had as much previous experience with caregiving or have a different idea of what their role as a parent should look like. However, while it’s important to be patient, it’s equally important to maintain open communication about how the lack of support is affecting you.
Related Read: Why your partner may be adjusting to parenthood at a different speed than you.
A More Balanced Path Forward
It can be difficult when your co-parent hasn't adjusted their lifestyle to being a parent, but communication, empathy, and teamwork are crucial for navigating these challenges. Start by addressing the issue directly and setting clear expectations for shared responsibilities. Be patient and offer support while also expressing your own needs and well-being. If needed, seek professional help to improve communication and balance in your relationship. The more you work together, the more likely both of you will feel empowered in your new roles as parents.
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