Faith, Culture & Family Expectations: Navigating Differences Before Marriage
Cultural, faith, and family differences may not be immediately obvious in relationships, and they may only really start to take up space in your relationship when you consider something like marriage. When you run into stark differences, it can be hard to know what to do to move forward, together.
For support navigating relationship expectations through multicultural premarital counseling, read on.
Faith differences are not inherently irreconcilable
Faith can be a cornerstone in some people’s lives, and for others, it might not even be on the day-to-day radar. Some people wouldn’t even consider a marriage with someone of a different faith, but for people who have found themselves considering marriage with someone of a different faith, it’s important to ponder what impacts that can have on your relationship.
If you and your future spouse do not share the same faith, or even if you don’t share the same practices and observances within a shared faith, it can cause friction. There’s even some evidence that interfaith marriages have a higher rate of divorce. You will face some potentially difficult questions that need answers, and before marriage is the best time to ask these questions:
What faith(s) will you have your children participate in?
How will faith observances influence your daily life together?
Do you expect your partner to participate in your faith without converting, to convert fully, or not participate at all?
Where are faith differences already causing rifts, and how can you repair them?
What beliefs and practices will be part of your marriage ceremony?
You or your partner's faith practices might change throughout your relationship. How do you want to handle these potential future shifts?
How will you commit to showing respect to your partner and their faith?
How will you communicate your decisions on faith with your extended family, especially around holidays?
It can be tempting to avoid these tough questions, but heading into a marriage with more assumptions than answers only postpones conflict and makes it hard to fulfill either partner’s relationship expectations. The best way to handle this potential marital challenge is by facing it head-on, with curiosity, honesty, and love.
Understanding, curiosity, and participation can help make faith differences easier to navigate
A good starting place for navigating having a different faith from your partner is by looking at your own relationship to faith, belief, and spirituality. What matters most to you? What are some core values you have, and what do you feel is most important to you when it comes to your faith?
After you and your partner examine your own faith needs, share them with each other.
Listen with curiosity and an open mind. Don’t listen with the intent of looking for problems, but listen just to get an idea of where your partner is and what they need. Share your honest thoughts on your own beliefs as well, so you both know where you stand.
Learn about each other's faith practices (even if one of you is agnostic or atheist, that's still a set of beliefs and it's worth trying to understand!). If possible, participate with your partner in their observances, and talk to others in their faith to get a fuller idea of what it’s all about. Try it out with an open heart and an open mind, as a way to get closer to the person you love.
Family-of-origin relationship expectations don’t have to be dealbreakers
Your family-of-origin (FOO) influenced, and still influences, how you handle conflict, how you communicate your needs and desires, what your relationship expectations are, and even your day-to-day routine and habits. Your FOO might see your marriage as a joining of two families, or they may be totally hands-off. Your FOO can reinforce cultural or religious expectations, and when you and your partner have different FOO experiences, it can lead to some significant differences in relationship expectations.
If you’re noticing some significant differences in values, culture, communication, or how you approach relationships, you and your partner should consider how your FOO handled the areas you’re struggling with. Did your family ignore all issues, while your partner’s family was full of loud arguments? Did your family have rigid routines, while your partner’s family was more relaxed and played it by ear?
Understanding how your FOO has influenced you is a helpful starting point for finding space for compromise. You should also consider whether you want to continue doing things the way your FOO did. Do you like how your family handled conflict or communicated their needs? If not, you have a wonderful opportunity in your current relationship to do things differently.
Once you and your partner have a good grasp of the influence of your FOO, you can start to discuss how you two want to handle things in your own relationship. What do you think is working for your partnership, even if it’s different from what your FOO does? What isn’t working? How do you want to change things? Do you need help from a premarital counselor?
Your family of origin can play a large or small role in your marriage, but you and your spouse need to be on the same page
How your FOO participates in your married life is also crucial to discuss. You might be close to your FOO, while your partner is distant, or even no-contact with theirs. You might also let your FOO influence your decisions in your relationship, or your partner might have more input than you like on how your relationship operates. How will you two communicate with your respective families? How do you want to handle your FOO’s relationships with your future children? How will you and your partner respect and protect each other’s emotional safety around FOO?
These differences aren’t insurmountable, as long as you and your partner recognize that you are a team, and you need to make choices and communicate with your FOO in a way that prioritizes each other first. It’s important to remember that you are building your own family, and you have a chance to work together to handle your relationship as a united front. That becomes a lot easier when you open up to each other, listen, and try to understand.
Intercultural couples in Houston need to find common ground
Faith and FOO fall under a broader umbrella of “culture”. With an expanding world and growing ability to relocate, intercultural relationships have also increased.
Cultural differences can show up in:
Gender expectations
Family size and how you raise children
Work, housework, and how you use your free time
Expressing emotions
Traditions
Lifestyle
Faith
Family involvement in your lives
Finances
Communication expectations
Assimilation into a spouse’s culture
When you run into cultural differences, instead of glossing over them or ignoring them, handle them like you would a faith or FOO difference. First, introspect to grasp what’s important to you. Next, share with open minds and careful listening to each partner, so you both understand each other. Finally, talk to your partner, and try to appreciate your partner’s point of view, even if you can’t fully reconcile yourself to it. You might be surprised at how willing you are to blend cultures with a partner who can listen, care, and try to understand.
Finally, if you find your differences are too great to figure out on your own, look for professional support with multicultural premarital counseling.
Multicultural premarital counseling in Houston can help you find answers
At Heights Couples Therapy, we know that cultural, religious, and family-of-origin differences can add tension to any relationship. We also know that if you and your partner take the time to explore these differences and find common ground, you can ease that tension and strengthen your relationship. For sensitive topics that are clearly important to both of you, it can help to have an empathetic premarital counselor to guide you in these conversations, helping you use intentional, emotionally focused communication skills to navigate your relationship expectations.
To get your marriage started on the right foot, before it even begins, schedule a free consultation for premarital counseling today!