The Impact of ADHD on Relationships

00:00 | Introduction and Welcome

Welcome, everyone. Before we begin, we want to let you know that this session is being recorded. If you do not want your full name to appear on the recording, please take a moment to change your display name. The recording will be sent to those who registered, so we want everyone to be aware that it will be accessible afterward.

I am Amy Shahda, and I work with Heights Couples Therapy. Laura Spiller, the owner and founder of Heights Couples Therapy, is also here helping today. She will be monitoring the chat and will let me know if questions come up during or after the presentation.

Today we are talking about ADHD and its impact on relationships. I want to start with a little background about why ADHD matters to me and how I came to work in this area. I am the wife of an ADHD partner, and I have two ADHD children, so my life is full of experiences around loving and being in relationship with people who have ADHD.

I was also a teacher for many years, which gave me another way to understand how ADHD shows up for people. Over time, I have seen how important it is to talk about what ADHD looks like, how it affects daily life, and how it can become part of a couple’s cycle. Sometimes people do not realize that ADHD is influencing the patterns they are experiencing in their relationship.

Today we will talk about what ADHD is, some of the attributes and characteristics that commonly come with it, and how it may present differently from person to person. We will also talk about the challenges ADHD can create for both the ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner. In some relationships, both partners have ADHD, and that can feel different as well.

Toward the end, we will spend time on strategies that can help. These are tools I recommend when working with couples, and some are tools we use in my own home. If you have questions, please put them in the chat. Laura will help sort through them. If they are relevant to the section we are discussing, we may answer them in the moment. Otherwise, we will hold them until the end.

04:28 | What Is ADHD and Some Positive Attributes?

ADHD is a diagnosis used to describe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It has had a number of variations in the DSM over time, but this is the language currently used among practitioners.

Clinically, there are two primary presentations: hyperactivity and inattention. People often fall more clearly into one presentation or the other, although there can be overlap. These presentations can look very different from each other.

I also want to name ADHD as a neurodiverse identity. I like to think of it as a way of being or a way of walking through the world. I do not usually think of people in terms of right or wrong. People are different, and people with ADHD often move through the world in a different way. The question is how that difference affects relationships.

Some ADHD attributes are often experienced as strengths. People with ADHD can be big-picture thinkers. They may be able to see the forest in spite of the trees. Entrepreneurs sometimes come to mind here: someone may have a vision and be able to imagine the whole thing from beginning to end. That can be a real strength.

In my own relationship, my husband is a big-picture thinker, and I am more detail-oriented. He is not always great with the details, but he can see the bigger plan in a way that I cannot. That is one of the bright attributes that can come with ADHD.

People with ADHD may also be able to enjoy the moment. They can live in the present and take each moment for what it is. For people who tend to think about what happened before or what may happen next, that can be more difficult. But for many people with ADHD, being in the moment comes naturally.

Creativity is another common strength. One of my children is very creative. He acts, sings, draws, and has this whole expressive world that is a big part of who he is. Creativity often shows up in people with ADHD.

Emotional intensity can also be part of ADHD. That means big emotions. When someone is excited, they may be really excited. They may show emotion easily and fully. Another related strength is the ability to recover quickly, or not hold grudges. Once something is over, it is over, and they move on.

09:35 | Challenges of an ADHD Brain

At the same time, ADHD can bring challenges. Executive functioning is one of the biggest areas. Executive functioning includes skills like time management, organization, planning, and follow-through. These things can be much more difficult for someone with ADHD.

One phrase I recently heard that felt very accurate is that, for many ADHD brains, there is “now” and “not now.” Time can feel like what is happening right now, and everything else is not now. That can help explain both the ability to recover quickly and the difficulty with planning ahead.

Planning can be hard because planning requires organization. ADHD can also involve disorganization in thinking. A helpful visual is the idea that the brain is like an internet browser with 17 tabs open, four of them frozen, and no one knows where the music is coming from. For people who do not experience their brains that way, it can be hard to imagine how much is happening internally.

Impulsivity can also be difficult. Someone may not have the same ability to press the brakes, pause, and think through what something will look like before acting. When something comes to mind, the impulse may be to do it right then.

Distraction is another common experience. Many people with ADHD benefit from tools that lower distraction or create a quieter environment. My son sometimes asks his teacher if he can leave the classroom because it is too chaotic and he needs a quieter place to work. Knowing this about yourself can be very helpful because there are ways to support it. At the same time, ADHD can also include hyperfocus. When someone is zoned in, they may be so focused that they do not notice what is happening around them. They may not even hear their name being called.

Low frustration tolerance can also show up, often connected to emotional intensity. Many people with ADHD are working very hard to regulate their emotions, and regulation may not come easily.

All of these things can affect a relationship, especially when the other partner does not have ADHD and does not have the lived experience of moving through the world this way. It is important to remember that these are common characteristics, not universal rules. Every person is an individual. Everyone has their own strengths, struggles, and way of being.

14:00 | ADHD Considerations

Some other considerations around ADHD. ADHD is twice as prevalent in men as it is in women. And, of course, this is based on current statistics and diagnoses. It does seem it shows up more for men than it does in women. There is a strong genetic component when it comes to ADHD. If a parent has ADHD, it is likely that their child could be diagnosed with ADHD, or if one of the children could be diagnosed with ADHD.

And again, ADHD presents differently for everyone. And as I mentioned earlier, I like the visualization that my brain is like an internet browser, 17 tabs are open, four of them are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from. Some of you sitting here probably can say yes, I can imagine what that is like, but for those whose brain does not work in this way, it is very difficult to imagine what this must be like for someone who experiences this.

So having ADHD is a different way of being and walking through the world. For those people who do not have to walk through the world this way, it can be a difficult thing to understand.

16:03 | Relationship Challenges for Both Partners

When ADHD shows up in relationships, the challenges can look different for each partner. For the partner with ADHD, shame is very common. Many people with ADHD have spent much of their lives receiving the message, “What is wrong with you?” “Why can’t you get it right?” “Why can’t you figure this out?”

Those messages can start very early. My husband’s family has a story from when he was young. His teacher placed him in a corner with a box around him so that he would not distract the other children and would not be distracted by them. Looking back now, that feels awful. But from a very young age, he was receiving the message that he was not doing it right and needed to be different.

When someone grows up with that message, it can become internalized. Then, in adult relationships, the same message can become part of how they navigate closeness and conflict. As the relationship moves out of the honeymoon phase and into everyday life, this can become even more painful.

In the beginning of a relationship, the ADHD partner may show up in a very big way. The novelty, excitement, and emotion of the relationship can be energizing. They may be all in, doing the things that feel exciting and good. Then, as time passes and the novelty starts to fade, that same level of intensity may fade too.

The partner may feel that shift and wonder what happened. They may ask, “What is going on with you? It used to be so different.” For the ADHD partner, this can reinforce the feeling of always letting their partner down. They may feel that their partner is always mad, that they do not know how to make them happy, or that they cannot get it right.

Over time, that sense of inadequacy can lead to a lack of motivation. If someone does not believe they can get it right, they may stop trying, or lack the motivation to continue putting in the effort. They may turn toward a hobby, friends, work, or something else that gives them excitement and a sense of competence.

20:52 | Relationship Challenges for the non-ADHD partner

For the non-ADHD partner, the challenges often look different. This is where couples can really miss each other. The non-ADHD partner may feel unimportant. They may remember how much attention and energy they received at the beginning of the relationship and feel confused or hurt when that changes.

They may feel ignored, unseen, or undervalued. They may wonder, “Did I do something? Is something wrong with me? Why does my partner no longer value me the way they once did?”

When children enter the relationship, another shift often happens in terms of the household mental load. The non-ADHD partner may feel as though they are juggling everything. They may feel responsible for keeping all the balls in the air, staying organized, remembering details, and preventing the family from falling off the rails.

From that place, the ADHD partner can begin to seem unreliable. The non-ADHD partner may feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, and alone. They may wonder why their partner will not simply show up and help in the way they are helping.

That is often the core disconnect. The ADHD partner does not work in the same way. The partners may be sending and receiving very different messages about how the relationship should function. Without a shared understanding of ADHD, both partners can feel hurt and misunderstood.

Burnout can happen when one partner feels responsible for holding everything together. They may feel unable to relax. They may feel vigilant all the time. They may not trust that their partner can carry part of the load. Over time, that can become very heavy, especially in a family system where the workload is already high.

24:50 | PRACTIAL STRATEGIES for relationship repair

There are practical strategies that can help, especially strategies that organize the relationship and daily life. Some professionals focus entirely on helping people build these kinds of organizational systems. These skills can be learned, but they take practice and patience.

Anything that helps organize the dynamic can be useful. That may include writing things down, using a shared calendar, setting reminders, making lists, using planning tools, or creating systems that support follow-through. We live in an age where most of us have a device in our hands, and those tools can be genuinely helpful.

For some people, a phone reminder works. For others, a written list, a visible calendar, or a Post-it note is better. The key is finding a system that works for the individual and the couple. If a reminder needs to pop up multiple times, that is okay. If it helps, it helps.

There is also a delicate balance here. The non-ADHD partner may wonder, “Am I the person who has to remember everything and constantly remind my partner?” We want to alleviate that burden, but it may also be true that remembering and organizing is one partner’s strength.

In my own relationship, I know that remembering and organizing are strengths of mine. What I have to be careful about is how I communicate. If I say, “Hey, remember we have to do this,” and I see defensiveness start to rise, I try to clarify: “I love you. I know your strengths. I know what you are good at, and I know what I am good at. This is one of the things I am good at. I am just reminding you.”

That kind of communication matters because defensiveness is where walls start to come up. If both partners can remember, “I am not attacking you. I am here with you. I know your strengths, and I know this is not one of them. That is okay. I am here to help,” the relationship can feel very different.

Acknowledgment is part of this. We can acknowledge that each partner has strengths that serve the relationship and areas that are more difficult. One partner may be strong in planning, organization, or details. The other may be strong in creativity, big-picture thinking, emotional presence, or spontaneity.

The goal is to hold both realities without turning the conversation into blame. When couples can acknowledge strengths and struggles with compassion, they are less likely to move into threat and defensiveness.

30:17 | Compassion in communication

Compassion is a key component in helping this dynamic look and feel different. We are all human. Some days we have very human moments. We may not have slept enough. We may not have had enough coffee. We may not show up as our best selves.

The question is whether we can come back and say, “I was not my best in that moment. Can we talk about it?” That kind of repair creates a different dynamic in the relationship.

This is true in any relationship, but it is especially important when one partner is neurodivergent and moves through the world differently. The message becomes, “You are you, and I love you. How can we work together with who we both are?”

That is the foundation underneath the tools. Calendars, reminders, planning systems, and routines can help, but the way couples talk about those tools matters just as much. If the conversation becomes criticism, shame, or blame, the strategy may never get a chance to work. If the conversation is rooted in care, impact, and teamwork, the strategy has a better chance of helping.

32:34 | Q&A: Hyperfocus, Self-awareness, Household tasks and Managing Resentment

After the main presentation, participants were invited to ask questions. Laura also noted that a replay link and a resource guide would be sent afterward, and that the Heights Couples Therapy website includes resources for navigating neurodivergence.

Question: “You mentioned that some partners with ADHD can be very focused. If they are doing an activity, they may not hear what is happening around them. I have noticed that my partner can focus on something for a very long time, even two hours. Is that common?”

Response: Yes, it can be. If something intrigues them or draws them in, people with ADHD can become very hyperfocused.

Question: “Could that also be autistic, or is it different?”

Response: It can overlap. ADHD and autism spectrum disorder can share some characteristics. There can be a gray area between ADHD and ASD, and only an appropriate evaluation by someone qualified can clarify what is happening for a specific person.

Question: “How do you help a person understand himself? I can tell my partner what I notice, but maybe he thinks it is just me saying it. Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else.”

Response: That can happen. Depending on where the relationship is, a partner may automatically start protecting himself when feedback comes from you, especially if it touches the places where he already feels he is not getting it right. A neutral third person may feel less threatening. A therapist or other professional can say, “These are common characteristics. Do any of these sound familiar?” That may be easier to receive and digest.

Laura added that it can sometimes be easier for people to hear feedback when the conversation focuses more on impact than on behavior. Instead of saying, “You never plan,” a partner might say, “It is really hard for me not to know what to expect. My system feels calmer when we have a plan. Can we figure out some next steps together?”

Question: “How do you help with decluttering or completing everyday household tasks?”

Response: Strategic planning methods matter, but the way the conversation begins is just as important. There is a difference between saying, “You need to get your stuff together,” and saying, “This has become really hard for me, and I wonder if we could find a way to do this together. Having you alongside me would be so helpful.” The strategies are one part of it. The conversation that allows you to get to the strategies is another part.

Question: “How do you communicate with a partner who has ADHD when they tend to shut down?”

Response: Shutdown is very common. Many people with ADHD have received the message for a long time that they are broken, failing, or not showing up correctly. If the conversation focuses on what they are not doing, that shutdown may intensify. It can help to speak from the impact on the relationship and from the longing underneath the complaint. For example: “I feel alone, and I am scared I will keep feeling this way. I want to connect with you. I want to be able to come to you.”

Laura added that partners can often soften shame by naming what is in their heart. Instead of casting the ADHD partner as the villain, it can help to say, “You are the one I want to do this with. You are the one who cares about our kids as much as I do. I want you as my partner in this.” That kind of tender longing can balance the painful message that the ADHD partner is unreliable or failing.

Question: “As the non-ADHD person in my relationship, if the ADHD has gone unaddressed for a long time and then is finally diagnosed, there can be a lot of resentment. Even if the ADHD partner is making good steps, the non-ADHD partner may not forget or get over the past quickly. Do you have tips for either partner on how to move through that resentment?”

Response: Resentment is often a byproduct of not having your needs met by your partner. It helps to be able to say, “I see you. I see the hard work you are doing, and I appreciate it. And there is still fear in me. I still have things that come up. I still remember what it was like for all those years.”

The key is to navigate that conversation carefully so that no one becomes defensive. Defensiveness is where more resentment can build. Sharing concerns, fears, and longings is part of how resentment gets unpacked. It may sound like, “I see how you are showing up now, and I love you. I am not trying to attack you. I just need you to know that this still comes up for me.”

Question: “How do you prevent resentment if the ADHD partner says they will do something but fails to follow through multiple times?”

Response: It may not be possible to prevent the feeling entirely. Resentment grows in places where someone feels unseen, not valued, or alone. What can help is addressing the hurt early, before it festers. You might say, “I am hurt and sad because we had a plan, and it seems like you struggled with that. What can we do differently? I want you to be part of this with me, and I am concerned resentment will develop if this continues because I feel alone in this place.”

Laura added that the non-ADHD partner cannot unpack resentment entirely alone. The ADHD partner also needs to be responsive in some way. That may not mean perfect follow-through immediately, but it does mean being able to say, “I hear you. Your disappointment makes sense. I did say I would do that, and I did not do it.” That responsiveness is part of caring for the relationship when there has been a repeated pattern of missed follow-through.

50:49 | CLosing

Thank you all for coming. If questions come up afterward, please feel free to email me. I am happy to answer questions. My email is Amy@heightscouplestherapy.com.

The last thing I will add is that sometimes it does take a third party to help couples talk through these things. If a lot of resentment has built up, or if there has been a lot of hurt and you are not able to work through it on your own, having a third party can be helpful.

Thank you all. I appreciate it.